


We’re All Sorry

by hiraeth_skz



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Bang Chan is a Good Friend, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Help, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, It’s a mess, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, No Smut, OT8, Protective Minho, early fic so it’s really bad, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-15
Updated: 2021-01-15
Packaged: 2021-03-13 10:53:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28777098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hiraeth_skz/pseuds/hiraeth_skz
Summary: TW FOR ANXIETY, SELF HARM, FAMILY ISSUES, BLOODThis is Chris and Lix-centered but all the members are very active and relevant. Felix has a mental breakdown of sorts, his members (mostly chris and minho) are there to help him :)
Relationships: Bang Chan & Lee Felix, Could Be Read As Platonic - Relationship, but that wasn’t the intention, maybe romantic? - Relationship
Comments: 1
Kudos: 32





	We’re All Sorry

**Author's Note:**

> So yeah if you get triggered easily, don’t read! This is pretty graphic and easily triggering for anxiety, depression, and self harm. Stay safe :)  
> Sorry this is so long, chaotic, and terrible, I haven’t written in so long...

Felix was on the bathroom floor, on the edge of the bathtub. Blood stained his arms and the razorblade threatened his skin in his shaky hands. Gashes and slits lined his wrists and silent tears rolled down his cheeks. He'd been trying his best to not wake anyone up since it was 12 am. Felix exhaled deeply, thinking of how much he deserved this pain. He was tormenting himself.  
He tossed the blade onto the floor and climbed into the bathtub, jeans and t-shirt on. He turned on the showerhead and hot water pounded his head, arms, back. It stung his cuts and skin. Felix watched diluted blood fall into the drain with his head between his knees. Felix sobbed, almost choking on his tears. He sat there, letting the blood pour out of him. He got lightheaded and the sickening knot in his chest tightened. Blood swum around his ankles. He cried more, louder, but the shower drowned out the sound a good amount. Not a single part of him wanted his members to find him like this, god knows how scared they'd be. Felix's thoughts blurred in his pounding head.  
There was the sound of the front door opening and a familiar, tired cough. Shit.  
He had forgotten Chris was still at his studio.  
Felix tried to hoist himself up out of the shower but he could barely hold himself up and fell back onto his heels in the water, making a thud sound. He cried more.  
The sound of fast footsteps drew near.  
"What was that-" Chan said, stopping in front of the bathroom. The door was open. "FELIX?" He screamed.  
Felix barely lifted his dizzy head to look at Chan before dipping it back onto his knees.  
Chan rushed to his side, tipping up his chin. He searched for a pulse in his neck. He found one, but it was weak and shaky.  
"Felix," chan choked through tears. He turned off the water and shook Felix. "Talk to me."  
"Sorry," Felix hoarsely said.  
Chan was frantic. He was crying and shaking but picked Felix up out of the shower, lowering him onto the bathmat. He wrapped towels onto Felix's bleeding wrists to stop the blood.  
"Ah," Felix winced.  
"I know, I know, it hurts, I'm sorry," Chan cried.  
Chan pulled off Felix's shirt and quickly patted him dry before sliding his warm hoodie onto him. Chan did the same to his jeans, though his own were too big on Felix.  
Chan raced to the kitchen and grabbed a glass of water frantically. He tipped Felix's chin and made sure he swallowed.  
Felix's eyes were shut. "Hurts," he croaked.  
"What?"  
"All. Everything," Felix cried.  
Chan peeled off the bloodstained towels and put antibiotics and wrapped bandages on his cuts. He wrapped till Felix's arms were stiff.  
"I think you're gonna be okay," Chan said, though the panic in his voice said much different.  
Minho drowsily stumbled into the bathroom. "What-" he began.  
"Call the emergency," Chan stuttered at Minho.  
Minho nodded and ran to get a phone. Chan sat beside Felix, nothing else he could do, and cradled him gently. Felix was shaking. Chan gently slid the sleeves of his hoodie down to Lix's wrists. Chan hugged Felix's stomach, rubbing his chest gently, trying to warm him.  
"THEY'RE NOT ANSWERING THE FUCKING PHONE," Minho screamed, appearing at the door.  
"Keep trying," Chan begged.  
Minho kept dialing and being on hold.  
Felix sunk his head down into his lap; the light was too bright. He muttered at Chan.  
"Shhh, shhh, it's okay. I'm here, you're gonna be okay," Chan whispered through tears. "Just breathe. Please, Felix."  
Felix's breath shook him. Chan felt hollow and scared. He looked up at Minho pleadingly.  
"They aren't answering," Minho slurred, staring at Felix in horror. "I'm so sorry. I'm gonna keep trying. What's wrong with him?"  
"Uhm, probably blood loss, he's faint, trouble breathing." Chan fumbled his words and Cried into Felix's hair.  
"AH!" Minho gasped. "Hello, jyp building, xxx dorms, emt. Help."  
Minho walked away to wait at the door while he spoke to the person on the phone.  
"Felix I love you. We've got help coming, just a few minutes, stay with me," Chan begged.  
"Hyung." Felix tipped his head up to look at Chan.  
"Yes. Hello, I'm here."  
"I'm so sorry," Felix rasped.  
"I should have been here, I'm sorry."  
"No. My fault," Felix said, opening his red eyes and staring at Chan.  
Chan shook his head. "No, no. You're okay. Not your fault. Stay with me."  
Felix shut his eyes.

7 minutes later

Chan watched in horror as Felix was rushed away on one of those hospital bed things.  
An emt stayed behind to talk to chan and the boys.  
"Your friend will probably be okay. We're going to give him blood and air, he will most likely make it."  
Chan nodded and held Minho's hand hard, fighting tears.  
"When can we see him?" Han asked.  
"Maybe an hour or so. He fainted due to blood loss and lack of oxygen and iron," the emt explained.  
The boys all made eye contact with each other, their eyes filled with despair and fear.  
"Is there any chance he- he won't- won't make it?" Chan asked, scared for the answer.  
"Yes. I'm not going to lie, he's struggling. But he's healthy. I'm almost positive he will make it, but there's a slim chance you will lose him."  
Chan couldn't take it. He ran into his room and slammed the door behind him, crying. In 5 minutes, the rest had filtered in to be together. They were all crying.  
"I- I should have gotten home sooner," Chan stuttered, looking around the room at the boys seated in front of him on the floor.  
"You did nothing wrong," Changbin promised.  
"I don't care. I'm so scared," Chan cried, hugging his knees to his chest. All he could see was Felix crying in the bathtub, blood swimming in the water around him, shaking. The cuts on his arms. His eyes filled with pain.  
"We all are," Han promised.  
They waited in silence for almost two hours, exchanging apologetic glances and hugs.  
Minho's phone buzzed.  
"You can come to see him in the managing room. He is stable," Minho read out loud.  
The 7 of them jumped into shoes and masks and ran out the door. They sprinted down the stairs, vision blurred by tears.  
A man in a coat was outside the management room. "One at a time," he warned.  
They all let Chris in first. He slipped into the room to see Felix with better bandages on his wrists and a blood pump in his arm. The sight broke his heart.  
"Hyung I'm sorry," Felix repeated. His voice was clearer. Chan's tears poured out as he took a seat beside Felix.  
"Don't apologize to me. I thought you were gone, I was so scared for you." Chan barely made out the words before breaking down into a crying mess, folded into his own lap.  
"I thought you were all asleep. I didn't realize anybody find me before I could either clean up or kill myself," Felix admitted.  
"Oh my god," Chan said. "So I- so I might have lost you? Forever?" He asked, broken at the thought.  
It wasn’t something he was prepared to mentally confront, much too scary. Much too... seemingly impossible. He couldn’t imagine his life without Felix, since he was such a big part of said life. "Yes."  
"I love you," Chan said.  
"I know," Felix said. "Hyung, I'm really sorry I did this," he said. "I didn't think."  
"It's not your fault, I promise. I'm just glad you're okay, or mostly okay. I don't know what I would do without you."  
"Be happier, less stressed," Felix predicted.  
"Not even close, Felix. I'd die if I lost you. I'd be empty."  
"I guess," Felix said.  
"I know."  
"I have to let the others talk to you now but I love you," Chan said, gently holding Felix's hand before heading out. He looked back at pale Felix on that white bed and shook his head, then left.  
He watched the rest dip in and out one by one, each member coming out with more tears in their eyes than when they'd gone in.  
I.N was the last out. He sat by Minho on the wall in the hallway and cried into his shoulder. Minho wrapped his arm around jeongin and pursed his lips solemnly at chan.  
"That was draining," Hyunjin remarked.  
"He looks so sad," Seungmin nodded.  
"At least he's still with us, I was almost out of hope," Chan admitted.  
They sat there for almost six hours talking, just to be closer to Felix.  
A woman in a white coat walked out of the room. "He's been completely stable for 4 hours, he can go home now. Just be gentle," she told them. "He needs these iron pills, I'll just hand them to you." She handed them to Hyunjin.  
The boys looked around with sparks in their eyes.  
"Really?" Chan asked.  
"Yes. We will tell JYP in the morning," she said.  
Felix walked out of the room with a crutch.  
"Why do you need the crutch?" Han asked.  
"He's going to need to walk around to get the blood moving, but he can't on his own so we have given him a crutch."  
Felix walked carefully to Chan. "I have no fucking idea how to use a crutch," he whispered.  
"I'll help you, don't worry," Chan promised.

They were back at the dorm.  
Felix sat on the couch by chan, who sat by Minho.  
"Do we… do you have any questions?" Felix asked.  
There was a quiet.  
"How long have you been..." Changbin gestured at his arms.  
"A couple months I guess," Felix said. "I've been feeling awful for like 7 months."  
Changbin exhaled deeply.  
"Why couldn't I have just paid more attention to you? Seven months? I'm sorry. I should have been able to tell," Chan said, looking to Felix apologetically.  
"I wasn't even able to tell for 7 months. I just… I realized on the third month that this wasn't just a bad moment, that it was real. Don't beat yourself up okay? It's not like I would have told you, I was scared you'd all be mad or just confused or disappointed."  
"I've never been mad at you Lix, you can't do anything to disappoint me," Chan promised.  
There was a chorus of agreement.  
"Why tonight? You don't have to answer," Minho asked calmly.  
"I felt awful. Today was the worst. Is the worst. I'd either been crying or hiding crying literally all day, nobody said anything. I felt alone and useless. Why stay there when I could go for free? And I'd been listening to this horribly triggering song all day, just swallowing me? In that pain?"  
This answer brought tears to everyone's eyes.  
Chan wrapped his arms around Felix's neck gently. Felix hugged him back.  
"We should have paid more attention to you. That is non-negotiable," Changbin said. Chan let go of Felix and agreed.  
"Thank you to whoever found me because I think you saved my life," Felix looked around the room.  
"You don't remember?" Minho asked, eyeing Chan.  
"No. I remember- I remember crying in the shower and pain and blood. It was blurry."  
"It was me," Chan said.  
Felix's heart stung at the sadness in his voice. "Thank you."  
"You scared me, Felix. I'm still scared. I really thought you were gone. It was the most terrifying thing I've ever seen or been through," Chan said, looking down.  
"So- I- where was I?" Felix asked.  
"The shower, like you said. Just blood everywhere, you were crying. You kept apologizing, you couldn't stand up or move much and you just said it hurt."  
"Sounds about right."  
"How the hell did I miss that? I feel so guilty," Hyunjin sighed.  
"It's not your fault," Felix said.  
"Actually, it is a little our faults," Minho said. "We really were oblivious."  
They all nodded in agreement.  
"Just thoughts like- maybe they'd pay attention to me if I was dead?" Felix muttered, tracing lines on the stiff bandage on his wrists with his finger mindlessly.  
"That's the most draining thing I've heard my whole life," Changbin said.  
"Felix, we love you. If you take anything to remember, take that. We love you so fucking much it's scary," Seungmin spoke for the first time.  
"Yes," han said. The rest agreed.  
"This is an awful question that you don't have to answer, but… what were you thinking about? What did it feel like?" Minho asked.  
"What did what feel like?"  
"Before you passed out in Chan's arms," Minho said. "Cause I felt like you'd just… left."  
"I felt gone. Ethereal, but slipping away. Floating. Pain. Sorry."  
"Interesting," Minho said.  
"I was too scared your last words would be 'my fault', Chan winced at his own words and wiped away his tears. "You really just seemed… away."  
"I'm really sorry that I scared you all. It wouldn't be tolerable in hell without you."  
"Hell?" Changbin murmured  
"Yes. It was my fault, so I would have ended up in Hell," Felix nodded.  
"Oh," Hyunjin said sadly.  
"Oh no," Chan said. "I'm- so fucking terrible," he whispered.  
"What?" Minho asked, putting his hand on Chan's number.  
"I- Felix you might remember this. Like a month ago, you- you were, uh, sitting in my bed with me playing among us or something. I asked about this blood on your sleeve, you just said "nose bleed" really quick and frantic and I thought nothing of it-"  
"I remember that, yeah. I swear I thought you were gonna hit me if you found out," Felix admitted.  
Chan's eyes widened and he turned to look at Felix, face laced with painful worry. "Hit you? Felix, never. I'm never gonna hit you, ever. I'm not going to be mad at you ever, I promise. Please don't think that. You're safe here."  
"We'd never hurt you," Hyunjin promised.  
"That's terrifying that you felt unsafe, or that we, or Chan, would ever hurt you," Changbin said.  
"Yeah, that's really scary," Chan said.  
"Sorry," Felix whispered, barely audible. He looked down and tears fell off the tip of his nose, fumbling with his fingers  
"No, no, no, no, no, don't apologize, please, you've done nothing wrong, please," Chan choked out, grabbing his hand softly.  
"Sorry." Felix jerked his head to the side to keep tears away.  
Chan rolled his thumb over Felix's hand.  
"I have a question," Jeongin spoke up.  
"Hmm?" Felix looked up.  
"Do you feel like you can't talk to me since I'm younger?"  
"I feel like I can't talk to any of you because it would worry you. Age is irrelevant."  
"Oh, Felix..." Minho sighed. "We would worry about you, of course. But you're important to us, so it's okay to worry about you if need be."  
"Exactly. You can talk to me about anything," Chan said. "Anything."  
Felix looked back to meet eye contact with Chan, meeting the intensity in his eyes.  
"I'll try." He squeezed Chan's hand.  
"I have one more question," Chan said.  
"Of course."  
"What song is the triggering song? That you were playing?" He asked. The rests' heads perked up.  
"Well, there's actually three. Low by Lund, Hold On by Chord Overstreet, and I Don't Want to Admit by you."  
"My song makes you feel bad?" Chan asked.  
"The emotion. It doesn't exactly make me want to- well, to hurt myself, because I never made that connection in my head. But it just triggers sad, lonely things."  
"I'm… sorry?" Chan tries.  
"It means you're a good artist, since your song is impactful."  
"Felix, I've heard those songs on repeat for months, I thought you just liked them," Seungmin said.  
"Interesting," Felix said. "Well, no. I'm just really self-destructive," he said.  
"That's so sad," Han shook his head. "Just all of this."  
"Oh shit, Han I'm so sorry- I'm sure I've triggered your anxiety," Felix spills out.  
"It's better than ignoring this situation," Han offered.  
"Stay safe," Felix told him.  
"You too."  
"It's 3 am," Minho said.  
"We have a schedule today," I.N realized.  
"Hell if I'm letting anybody make you all work this week," Chan jumped in protectively. "This week is just dedicated to Felix because we need him. I'm not letting anybody work you all with the stress we already have."  
"You're the best leader," Seungmin remarked.  
"No, no, no," Chan shakes his head.  
"Yeah you are," Felix smiled.  
Chan continued to shake his head.  
"No, trust me, you are," Changbin nodded.  
"You can't tell me to not be self-destructive then lie to yourself," Felix said, squeezing Chan's hand.  
"That's not fair-" Chan started.  
"Banchan best leader," Han said, cutting him off.  
"Bangchan best," Jeongin said.  
"Yall- I didn't do anything," Chan complained.  
"You- you literally saved my entire fucking life," Felix stared pointedly at Chan. "But before that, still, you were the best leader," he added.  
"I'm trying to be," Chan said. "Let's not forget Minho though, he helped so much."  
"No, I freaked out and probably scared the shit out of poor Felix," Minho said.  
"I probably didn't even hear you," Felix joked.  
"Stupid fucking emergency services though. I was so mad," Chan swore.  
"What happened?" Felix and Hyunjin asked at the same time.  
"Oh, uhm- it took them like 6 minutes to pick up the fucking phone. Which probably scared Chan half to death..." Minho trailed off.  
"Yeah. Yeah, it did. Like that's their entire fucking job, we might have lost him in those six minutes-"  
Felix almost choked on his spit upon hearing the words.  
"You okay?" Chan tipped his head to Felix.  
"Yeah. I guess I'm still processing the fact that maybe, if you weren't there by the slightest bit of luck, I would have lost you all," Felix said.  
"Luck," Chan repeated.  
"We're all really lucky we met each other, that we're all here," Hyunjin said thoughtfully.  
"Agreed," Han said.  
"Seriously, fate has to play some part in this. We found each other because we complete each other. The best example is Chan-hyung and Felix. They were born in the same country, same area, but never met. So they both moved to korea, or were moved to korea by the universe, trained in the same company, debuted in the same group. Felix didn't know much korean so Chan and myself helped him. Chan didn't have anyone he clicked with, or anybody to relate to or help, until Felix came. And that is really cool," Minho finished.  
Chan and Felix made eye contact and thought.  
"I guess so. Fate?" Chan said.  
"Fate," Felix confirmed.  
There was a calm silence.  
"Shit my arms hurt," Felix winced, letting go of chan's hand. He held his arms above his head.  
"The fuck are you doing?" Seungmin asked, looking at Felix, confused.  
"So the blood will drain down and they'll go numb."  
Chan gently lowered Felix's arms. "That's a bad idea. Just take the iron pills, that's what the lady said."  
"Iron is for fainting and dizzyness stupid," Minho said.  
"Oh. Well, still," Chan said. He took the pills from Hyunjin and read the label. "Three. At. A. Time. Every. 12. Hours," he read. "Three every twelve hours."  
"Gimme," Felix said, opening his hand. Chan gave him the bottle. Felix scattered three into his hand and swallowed them dry.  
"Then three at 8pm," Seungmin said.  
"Well yeah. I may be depressed but I can do math," Felix scoffed.  
"Sorry," Seungmin said.  
"I'm kidding, thanks for looking out for me," Felix said, giving the bottle to Chan to hand to Hyunjin. "But my arms still hurt. What do I do?" He looked around for answers.  
"Like stingy or achy?" Chan asked.  
"Yes. Both. I'm really a bitch to myself," Felix said.  
"Uhm, maybe ice?" Minho guessed.  
"Fuck ice, I'm already cold," Felix rolled his eyes.  
"Heat right? Heat for aches?" Changbin said.  
"I think so?" Han agreed.  
Chan stole a blanket from Hyunjin and draped it over Felix. He got up, jumping over feet, and came back from his room with a heating pad.  
"Is that the scary thing that burns stuff?" Han asked, eyeing the heating pad.  
"Not… unless you pour water on the chord and it starts a fire?" Chris answered, plugging the heating pad in and giving it to Felix, who draped it over his wrists.  
"So what do we do today? The rest of the week?" Hyunjin asked.  
"Felix is our priority. We just need to let him know he's loved, cause he is. Just take care of ourselves, take care of each other," Chan laid out.  
"You don't have to-" Felix began.  
"Shh," Changbin said. "We do, Lix. Cause you couldn't tell we cared before, we have to show you now."  
"I second this," Seungmin said.  
"Can I propose something? I know this sounds like some kindergarten counselor shit but let's go in order and just say something we love about Felix," Chan offered.  
Felix knew complaining would get him nowhere so he just sat back, trying to ignore the throbbing pain on his wrists.  
"Youngest to oldest," Minho added.  
"Me? Okay. I love that Felix is always there to help people, he's so dedicated," Jeongin said. "He just makes everybody happy."  
The words hit hard from the maknae. Felix was a people pleaser.  
Seungmin looked at Felix. "You're a very creative person who devotes yourself to something and won't give up. Percistancy," he said.  
Felix smiled faintly.  
"Hmm," Han said. "I like that you're very true to yourself. You're always in your head, it's admirable."  
Admirable, Felix thought, is a great word.  
"Waah. You're so talented and friendly. You get enthusiastic about things you specialize in and it's so sweet," Hyunjin mused.  
Felix didn't really understand this one but it sounded good.  
"You're always there to help us, me. Very selfless and remarkable. Also realistic," Changbin said, staring intensely at Felix.  
Remarkable is also a great word, Felix thought.  
"Right. I just… Felix, I don't know what we would do without you. You're so symbolic, so surreal, just mean a lot to me. When you smile..." The words poured out of minho's mouth as he looked fondly at Felix.  
"That was a cool sentence," Felix remarked.  
"Where to start?" Chan asked himself. "You're so dedicated and passionate. I love that you find ways to express yourself and make everyone else love you, make them happy. You're humble, to an annoying extent, but you know in your heart that you help good people become better, at peace, and that's great and makes you a good person. I love your dedication, your motivation, your ethereal presence. And your freckles," Chan said, following the constellations of freckles on his cheeks.  
"I don't understand half of these words," Felix said regretfully.  
"It means we love you," Minho told him.  
"Felix- random, but, uhm, when was the last time you ate? Cause I think- nevermind," Chan asked.  
"Oh. Umm… i don't know, it doesn't matter," Felix stuttered.  
"That's troubling," Changbin muttered.  
"'Cause you'll be mad," Felix looked away.  
"No, Felix, not mad," Minho said.  
"I guess… 4? 5 days ago?" Felix said.  
"5 days? Oh, Felix…" Chan trailed off.  
"Yeah," Felix sighed.  
"That- that would be why you're lacking iron," Seungmin concluded.  
"Eat, please," Changbin told Felix, shooting him a desperate glance.  
"Yeah," the others agreed.  
"If I do, my head will hurt since I haven't in so long," he said from experience.  
"Not a lot, just a small bit of food," Chan reassured.  
"I don't think I need to," Felix shook his head.  
"Have you at least been drinking water? Not that I'm not going to make you eat," Chan wanted to know.  
"Sort of. Probably not much, maybe a glass every day or two?" He answered.  
The rests' eyes widened.  
"Felix you're gonna die," Jeongin blurted out.  
"What?" Felix raised his eyebrow.  
"Maybe- maybe not die," Chan cautioned. "But you're gonna keep feeling awful and fainting and being sad and restless. I- hold on," he said, jumping over the back of the couch into the kitchen. All the lights in the house were off except for a few lamps tossed about the walls.  
"What are you doing?" Felix called, coughing.  
"Hold on," Chan said. There was the sound of running water and the click of the stove.  
"Hyunjin-hyung, are you alright? You've been quiet," Jeongin asked, putting his hand on Hyunjin's shoulder.  
Hyunjin was shaking. "No, this is all surreal and I feel so bad," he said.  
"We all do. I don't think anyone in this house feels completely okay," Felix said honestly.  
"True that."  
Chan came back from the kitchen with a small mug half full of dark tea. He handed it te Felix and sank into the couch beside him.  
"What is this?" Felix asked.  
"Tea. It's not bitter," Chan said.  
"Did you put weed in this?" Felix asked, completely honestly.  
Chan choked. "What? No. It's chamomile, I didn't give you weed. I don't have weed or use weed," Chan laughed dryly.  
The others were smiling wholesomely.  
"Do I have to drink this?" Felix asked, looking sadly at Chris.  
Chan sighed. "Please?"  
Felix raised the mug to his mouth and took a very small sip of the tea, wincing. "Why is my throat so dry? I can barely swallow."  
"Cause you aren't drinking water? And yeah, your voice is raspy," Chan said. "Is it too hot?"  
"No, it's just hard to drink."  
"Please just drink it, it'll probably hurt a little but please," Chan said in a low voice.  
"I feel like this is a dream. A really horrible dream," Han said, staring into space.  
"I'd wake up if I could," Felix said.  
"I'd wake you up," Hyunjin nodded.  
"I'm scared to sleep, in case somebody needs my help," Minho admitted.  
"I'm scared I won't wake up from sleep. At the same time, though, I want that. You know?" Felix said calmly as if this was normal.  
"No. Felix you're breaking my heart," Chan said.  
"Sorry." Felix turned to face Chan, observing the darkness under his eyes, which were swimming with tears, and pain creasing his pursed lips. His furrowed eyebrows made him look broken and helpless.  
"You look sadder than me," Felix sympathized, taking another drink from the tea for Chan.  
"This isn't a great feeling for me, I've never been more… worried (?) about you," Chan said.  
"None of us have," Hyunjin said breathlessly. Almost a whisper.  
"I feel bad I've worried you. Whenever you talk it sounds like there's tears in the back of your throat," Felix said, meeting eyes briefly with everyone in the room.  
"I'm trying not to cry because I don't think that would be helpful," Hyunjin admitted.  
"Me too," Minho said.  
"I've been silently crying on and off this whole time. I've gotten better at hiding it," Chan said, wiping the tears off his cheeks.  
"You're just good at hiding in your studio all day," Felix said. There was a twinge of spite in his voice. "We don't know you're crying because we don't see you."  
"I'm just-"  
"Solitary, I know. A workaholic, trapped in your head," Felix continued.  
"No. Well, yes, but you don't see me cry because I want to seem strong and dependable, like you can trust me to be there."  
"But you're never there," Felix choked out.  
The members were quiet, observing the conversation.  
"Is that it? Or is it that you don't trust me in the first place?"  
"I would trust you more if you were more open, less like you hate us," Felix winced at his own words.  
"But I don't hate you!"  
"I'm sure you don't but you're more dedicated to the work aspect of the team than the actual team. Why."  
"I'm sorry. I just- I feel like if I'm with you all more, you'll begin to hate me, like it's just a matter of time before I disappoint everyone. Or maybe you do hate me and I just haven't realized yet." Chan held a firm face, tilting his head back before breaking down, bent over his knees crying. His body shook and his head was tucked down so no one would see his pain.  
Felix set down his tea and stood shakily. He used his crutch to wobble to his room and shut the door before falling onto his bed to cry. He put headphones in and played those three songs so loudly, to drown out Chan's crying.  
He knew Chan didn't hate him. He knew Chan and the members loved each other. But he also knew that he missed Chan and how to beat him. He didn't mean his words, most of them, and he regretted them. He regretted hurting Chan. Felix cried hard, harder than ever.  
After he was nearly out of breath from crying, he turned down his music and decided to sleep, or try to. He turned the lights off and shut his eyes.  
"You should apologize," Minho's voice said softly.  
"I'm scared," Chan answered.  
Don't apologize, you haven't done anything wrong, Felix thought. I just miss you.  
"It won't go away," Changbin cautioned.  
"He's probably asleep by now, it's quiet," Chan said.  
No.  
"Just go check," Han said.  
"He'll be mad at me."  
"He'll be madder if you ignore him," Hyunjin pointed out.  
Ignore me more, Felix thought, immediately regretting the words.  
"Well, ignore him more," Hyunjin added.  
Chan sighed and Felix squeezed his eyes shut as Chan's footsteps drew near. He knocked on the door.  
"Just go in, he might not want to talk to you but you know he'll listen," Seungmin said.  
"Felix, I'm coming in," Chan said quietly.  
The door shut behind him and Felix's bed sunk slightly.  
Chan sighed. "I know you probably can't hear me. I'll say it again when you wake up. But Felix, I'm sorry I've been hiding from you. I really thought you'd prefer me away."  
Of course not.  
"I'm just scared you'll think I'm weak. I've been going in circles since I want to help you but you probably don't want my help since you don't get to talk to me, and if you did, I'm probably too dumb to help, which is still my fault. I just want you to be happy. I love you." Chan fragilly whispered the last part. "I'll go now."  
Felix raised his head slightly. "Hyung," he muttered raspily.  
"Oh. Hi, yes?" Chan said, taken aback.  
"I'm sorry. I really didn't mean what I said. I just wish you were here more is all. I trust you, with my life," Felix promised.  
"It's fine if you did mean it, I know I'm responsible for this team and myself."  
"But I didn't."  
"Alright. Do you want me to go?" Chan asked.  
"No. Lay down," Felix asked, moving against the wall so Chan could lay in front of him.  
Chan kicked off his shoes and laid down by Felix, looking up at the dark ceiling.  
"Are you gonna be okay?" Chan asked.  
"I'm not sure yet. Maybe, it depends," Felix buried his head in his pillow.  
"I'm hoping," Chan said, looking at Felix, "that I can help you, in any way. But I don't know how. Help me, because I don't want you to get hurt."  
Felix thought.  
"Just- be here. Just let me know you're… here. That you're not gonna leave."  
"I can do that," Chan promised. "I'm with you, for life."  
"Thank you." Felix's voice was shaky. He rested his head on Chan's shoulder, which is what assured Chris that he wasn't mad anymore. He hummed in response.  
It was only a matter of minutes before Felix fell asleep, curling away from Chan. His breathing was shallow and worrying. Chan thought about how Felix barely drank any tea. He'd have to make sure he drank it once woken up.  
Felix's breathing quickened. He started muttering, sounding worried. "Why? No, please-" he slurred softly.  
Chan didn't want to wake him up but didn't want him to suffer, even in his dream. He might wake up from stress. He faced Felix's back and wrapped his arms gently around him. It scared Chan so much to be able to feel Felix's ribs harshly. He ran his hands over Felix's sides, quietly whispering to him until his breathing returned to slow and his panicked ramblings were gone. Chan exhaled and pulled Felix into him softly. He thought about pain, struggles, anxiety, other terrifying things, but was able to think clearly knowing Felix was at least alive and with him.  
Felix was noticeably thinner, and very bony, but you could still feel his abs. Felix had still been working out, which was dangerous since he wasn’t eating. Chan shook his head slightly, vowing to himself to help Felix.  
Felix sleepily snuggled himself more into Chan. Chan’s heart was melting.  
There was the small sound of the door opening. Chan had forgotten this was a shared bedroom. Han’s quiet breathing was reassuring as he shut the door behind him. “Chris, it’s me. Don’t worry, I’m just going to sleep,” Han whispered faintly.  
“G’night Han,” Chan said.  
Han hummed a response and slid into his bed calmly.  
Chan felt at home, even if the home was struggling. With Felix in his arms and his, Felix, and Han’s breathing sliding through the air calmy, his heartbeat slowed a little and a small fraction of his worry slid away along with his consciousness. Chan fell asleep in that dark bedroom just before the sun was rising.

(the next morning, 7:43 am)

Felix was in the shower.  
Hopefully, for a little while longer; Chan would hate to be found like this.

Hello  
Hi to whoever is reading this first, but also goodbye. It’s night when I write this, we don’t have a schedule tomorrow so I’m doing this now.  
I feel awful, you couldn’t tell. I’m leaving forever, I hope you’re not mad. You wouldn’t be since you don’t love me, though. I hope you’re happy. I’ll miss you. I seriously hope you’re not mad because I care about you, though it’s not mutual. I feel so much pain, then blame myself because I have a good life. I’m male, I have privilege. I don’t get to be suicidal.  
Sorry Chan hyung, sorry I disappoint you. I’m sorry to everyone, but mostly Chan hyung cause I know you had faith in me. I hope you finally miss me enough to be at the dorm. I’m not mad at you, please don’t blame yourself. This is my fault.  
I love you, bye 

Chan was tearing up.  
He sat there, re-reading the letter. “I love you,” he whispered. He read it a last time and went to get up when Felix walked in in one of Chan’s hoodies and a pair of blue sweatpants. Felix looked at Chan then the letter in his hands and embraced him in a hug.  
“Hyung I’m sorry,” Felix whispered into Chan’s ear, tightening his arms around his back. Chan rubbed circles into Felix’s back, wanting him to be calm.  
“Me too,” Chan choked out. He didn’t want to crush him but didn’t want to let him go. “I love you.”  
Felix exhaled shakily and let go of Chris, putting his hands on his shoulders and staring him in the eyes. “I think you’re my motivation,” Felix told him.  
“You’re mine.”  
They both took a long breath and wiped tears from their eyes.  
“Yeah, I guess- I guess I forgot to- to put that in the bathroom,” Felix turned down his eyebrows and pursed his lips sadly.  
“I’m sorry. You don’t disappoint me at all, you make me so happy. I do have faith in you. I’m not mad at you, I do love you, and there’s no rules to who can have mental health issues, okay? Don’t discredit yourself. We’re here for you,” Chan said, making Felix hold eye contact.  
“Okay.” It wasn’t supposed to be whispered but Felix could barely speak.  
Chan nodded and Felix shut his eyes, tipping his head back, mouth open as he tried not to cry. He shook his head and sat on the bed, picking up the letter. His eyes fluttered as he read the lines, tears running down his cheeks. He shook his head reading like he was disappointed in what he’d said.  
“I just- I don’t know. I’m sorry, and I just feel awful. I felt awful. I’m so sorry,” he said, setting the paper down and looking up at Chan apologetically.  
Chan shook his head slightly. “I’m not even going to try to argue with you. We’re all sorry.”  
He wasn’t lying. (Au note. I know things are hard for some people. If you’re reading this, there’s a big chance things are hard for you as well. Remember that you are loved, and you have a fanbase and a community to fall back on if you need help. Stay take care of each other, alright? I know anxiety, adhd, depression, stress, homophobia (not in reference to any skz members, don’t twist my words), these things are all hard to deal with. But we love everyone in this fanbase. SOME OF US are toxic, but most of us just want to support the boys -not tbz but them too- and have fun. Everything is gonna be okay. Drink water, get some rest, stay safe <3)


End file.
